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11:36pm 02/08/2007

its seriously been too long. but i need to write.
john and i are done.  me and anthony are going on 3 months on the 9th of august. i was so happy with him. he appreciates me.. he tells me all the time that he loves me.. he tells me all the time that he never wants to lose me.. idk whats so wrong with me. but ive been thinking so much about us its rediculous. i feel like me and him are too different. hes not fun and exciting and adventurous and spontanious. hes not like my bestfriend.. or my first love.. or anybody else. and im not mad at him but being who is he.. but i feel like he should be trying to accomidate a little. i accomidate to him.. alot. and im just sick of feeling like again, that im the only one making an effort. wow thats a little ironic. idk though, hes what ive been waitin for really. i think i jus need to stop looking into this. im making myself nuts and worrying him about things he can't exactly change. but maybe he can change.. is he supposed to? idk what to think.


(left me in the dust)

Dear John [2]   
11:36pm 03/01/2007
I miss you terribly. i miss you more than ive ever missed anybody. i dont think i've ever felt this way about anybody. You really made a difference in my life. I know its really easy to just look at all the bad things that happened with us, but all i can think about is how much fun we had together. And how much love i know i had for you through the whole relationship. In the beginning i had said that i didnt want to make you my whole life, and i didnt want you to be my everything. Because yadda yadda when you were gone i'd have nothing. But somewhere down the line i was convinced you werent going to go away. I was stupidly convinced that this fairy tale relationship we had going was really going to last forever. I got comfortable just like you did. But you got comfortable in a different way. You got to the point where the little things didnt matter anymore, and where you could walk all over me and know i would always be there. Now i mean every relationship loses a little bit of their spark and the little cute things dont get done anymore, so that one isnt as big of a deal. But I got comfortable in the sense that you were, yes, always going to be there, but that i should be grateful and not take that precious love for granted. I think our mind sets were a little off.
I was reminded, ironically by mel, how many problems that we had. For some reason, before she had said this, i had over looked how many problems and fights we did actually have. Its funny though, because most of them were stupid enough to where i dont remember the point of them. John admitt it, most of our fights were petty problems and things we could of gotten over easily. When i look back, i think i was pretty open about how i felt. You might of been slightly open with me john, in the sense where you'd tell me how you felt, but i always felt like you were leaving something out. Things that maybe you let out to a different person, and thats why there was such an anxious build up in the end to get out, fast.
Now im going to have to realize eventually that if this relationship was too much for you to handle, then i can't force you to want to work it all out. I can't make you want anything. But if all this was... was that you needed a little space and more time for you, then it could of been talked about and handled slightly different. It still can be. I wanna say that you're lucky, that i am so forgiving and willing. Love is so strange. I'm honestly prepared to have my heart broken by you several more times, just because of my refusal to let go. It wouldn't be your fault, ultimatly, it would be my own. For not letting go. Hell if i had accepted the fact that we were over the first time you brought it up, i wouldn't of gotten cheated on. But thats where my never-say-never attitude stabbed me in the back. I try really hard to put the blame on myself, but everyone just calles me stupid. I want it to be my fault because i want to love you. I dont want to hate you. And if i accepted that this was your fault, i would hate you. But thats jus something i cant do. I will always love you. And when you say back to me i can only hope that its the truth. I wish i could trust what you say. But i dont think i have a choice anymore.

(left me in the dust)

Dear John   
11:31pm 28/12/2006

There's a million voices in my head and around me saying that everything I believe in and everything I desire is wrong. Its so hard to go against all the non-believers and do what you think is right. Its so hard to push through and go with what my heart is screaming for me to do. I've never been one to back down from something I believe in. I've never been somebody who gave up, on anything, without the best fight I could possibly give; and you know that. When you have such strong feelings, and an unbelievable want to make it work, its hard to just turn away, like everyone is saying I should do. Its impossible for me to give up on something I felt so passionate about, for so long, just like that. Its one hundred percent easier said than done. To have your life fit to form the needs and understandings of someone else, and just eliminate that person from your life, really turns things upside down. Everything reminds me of you and i miss everything about you. Its so hard to get through my days without you. Without you there for me to call, running for my phone, realizing that I couldn't call you. Realizing that you were no longer going to be there for me like you always had been. Realizing that you had moved on, just as i should. Hitting myself for being stuck on you, blaming myself for not listening to everyone around me. Realizing for myself, I should get over you, and move on with my life. But just when i think im on the verge of a break through, and im almost to the point of no return, you show me one ounce of love and desire to want me back and i melt like a popsicle. I march and stomp all the way back to dissapointment in square one. And the healing process starts all over again. Trying to convince myself once again, that i don't need you, and you have moved on. Trying to knock some sence into my love struck head, but i just won't listen. I love you, and there really is no getting over that. I will never fully accept that I am without you. The healing process, John, will last a life time.
After everything ive done, and all the shit I put myself through, I STILL want to be with you. I'm not trying to guilt you, or butter you up. I dont want to bribe you and give you some special reason why you should want me back. You know who i am, good and bad, and you know what I have to give. You know my offer. It will always stand, and you know it will. My feelings for you, john, will never change and they'll always be a place for you in my heart and in my life. That space could never be filled by someone else. The love i have for you, will never die. It will always be there, and this case will never close. I would melt back into your arms at any moment. Dont take it for granted.

I love you.


(left me in the dust)

11:31pm 29/12/2005

(1 left me in the dust)